1. Give up haircuts and shaving
Have you even noticed how expensive razors are these days? The
hell with it. Let everything grow, save your hard earned cash for
something worthwhile. If your job requires you to be reasonably
professional, find the cheapest razor you can buy and use it until it
starts ripping your skin off. Shave your head with it too.
2. Oil changes and air filters, who needs'em?
All of this every 3,000 miles nonsense is a total scam. How about
every 30,000? If you're going to Valvoline or Jiffy Lube, you're
getting ripped off. You could do it yourself for 1/10th the price.
But assuming you don't have the know-how, or the time, just skip it
altogether.
3. Hot water is a luxury!
And it costs money! People survived without it for ages, there's
no reason you can't get by without it now. Go turn off your hot water
heater. Or even better, go sell it. Not only will you save money on
your monthly utility bills, you'll also get some immediate cash in your
pocket, its win-win.
4. Clean houses are for the affluent and well-to-do
Clearly, you're in a tight spot. You don't need to be blowing all
your cash on soft scrub and 409. Just say the hell with it, and live
in a pig sty. Don't bother to vacuum either, that uses electricity.
5. Food is not as necessary as you might think
I've often times gone days at a time without eating, and you can
too. Buy some ramen, and eat it sparingly. If you go this route,
you'll probably want to supplement your diet with a multi-vitamin. You
can also go ahead and unplug your fridge, since you won't be purchasing
anything that needs to stay cold.
6. Poop at work
Or in some other public restroom. Use someone else's water and
toilet paper. The less you need to buy the better. If you have
irritably bowel syndrome this could really save a lot of cheese.
7. Don't tip people
First of all, if you're trying to save money you shouldn't be
going out to dinner in the first place, but if you somehow find
yourself at a restaurant, don't waste your money on tips. Those
waitresses are making at least $2.15 an hour, plenty of money to get by
as long as they follow my advice.
8. Get rid of the pets
Pets are notorious for sucking up your money. They lounge around
all day and contribute absolutely nothing to your bottom line. All they do is eat and poop. If
you're not eating on a daily basis, they shouldn't be either. Since
not feeding your pets might land you a seat next to Michael Vick, you
should probably just pawn them off on someone else who does have the
money to feed them.
9. Fleece your friends
You hang out with your friend's for a reason, and its probably not because they're total d-bags. So, why not take advanage of their kindness? Its pretty easy, just never carry any money. When you're heading out to the bars, just say you lost your ATM card, or your dog chewed up all your cash (if you haven't already gotten rid of the dog). It probably won't work forever, but it'll get you by for a little while.
10. Homelessness isn't so bad
What? Are you too proud to be homeless? Its not like you have to
sleep on the streets, just sleep in your car. Shower at work, cook
your ramen over a barrel fire, and do your laundry at the laundromat, or in the Ganges. The money you'll save on rent will be astronomical,
and you should be back on your feet in no time.
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